"Tignan mo magang maga na yung mata mo kaka tulog" was the first thing my mom said when she saw me. Offcourse as always she's 100 % wrong. I have not been sleeping for quite some time now ever since i've started school break. But it is just right for her to say that because she does not really know anything about my life or what i am going through with everyday. The fact that i do not go out of my room also helps a lot. Well i cried today. It is going redundant? i know! I catched that popular tagalog flick "TANGING YAMAN" on tv this afternoon and it owned me again just like every other sad movie. It basically talks about filipino family and how they deal with money, love, faith and all the other issues a family goes through with. I can't help it but cry in every scene. It does not really tell or describe my situation right now but it was actually the more i watch it, the more i realize how SAD i really am and how things are going the wrong way. But it also made me realize how it is never too late. I can still change a lot of things. Faith was also very emphasized. Faith has always been something that i am very sensitive with. My faith is very important to me. It always comes first, i know that deep in my heart. But my faith is also something that challenges me very well. The fact that my personality, characteristic and interests contradicts to the faith i believe in or i want to follow. It has been a struggle and i always see my faith being defeated by my hedonistic nature. How can you say you're a devout christian when you breathe angst ridden books and rock music? It is really very hard to live with it especially when you are longing for total happiness. Offcourse i know that it is only through my faith that i would get love. But i haven't lived enough to immediately opt for that and i hate it because though i know it is the right thing, i don't live it because i actually want to feel the other selfish type of happiness. I do not know if it is really what i need but ask me right now and it is really what i want.

I know that i just have to be patient and it would be given to me immediately. But i still do not know how long i can endure the agony. My heart is tired and who knows when it is finally given to me, there's nothing left already inside. It would just be emptiness and traces of the longing for it. But i am not complaining. really. I just want to put things out before it eats up my everything. It would be better soon. I know.

It is sad how i associate everythign with my sadness. From the books that i read, movies that see, people that i talk to. Every situation and all the other weird things that come out. It always has something to do with my heart. I hate it.