Lack of heart in things and being disorganized.

Last time in my introduction to communication class, our presentation about ourselves happened. Okay it is something i've been dreading for a while. I mean first, i am not comfortable in public speaking. Second, i can't talk about myself in front of people. So imagine how sucky i looked in there. Okay my presenatation was too vague and technical because i followed that comm thing while others really told everything in their lives even the cute silly things that they've overcome. I just think i looked boring in there, the way i presented myself was i am this geeky bookworm. Hahah i loved being a geek and a bookworm but i did not present my other self. You see i am interested in a lot of things and i can talk and relate to almost anyone. I can talk about basketball, wrestling, indie films, opm, rock, rap , hollywood, gulong ng palad and pinoy big brother. I am that diverse and that's not even 75% of what i follow. So i am just dissapointed with that. And i sound like I AM ABOUT TO CRY. It is weird but i always cry when i talk about myself. Anything about myself, even talking about my reading habits, my favorite tv show or what. Anything that is connected to me makes me too damn emotional. Haaha it's okay but i want to lessen that shit at all. It is really killing me. Why can't i just be that person who does not care about anything especially to what other people will tell them? i care too much of what the world will think of me that's why i always ended up being the worst, bobo and boring when in fact i can be the best, most unique. Shit. i hate it.

Oh and i think i failed the long exam. Our instructor said she checked a few papers and a lot of them sucked. like 60% so far failed. She also emphasized how our writing sucks so bad. " YOU GUY'S CAN'T WRITE!". Hahah i am prolly one of them. I found the test hard but i answered it so fast like i was scribbling and shit not even thinking of the rules etc. Hahah i just write whatever comes in my mind without even reading it after. I always have that habit i swear i hate it. I know i suck in writing. I love doing it. Hahha that's the coolest thing.. being bad in something that you breathe and love to do. That is writing and me. I have a disorganized mind and heart that's why it reflects in everything that i do. Just look at my penmanship and sentence construction. Look at my bedroom. Hahah everything is disorganized. I just hope i don't fail badly. Kahit na medjo malapit lang please.

sadness and weirdness..

Patrick sent me this message and it was amazing how every bit of it is describing me and how i've been as a human being so far.

One day Plato asked his teacher "What is love?"

The teacher said "There is a wheat field ahead, go there and pick one leaf that you think is extraordinary and then go back." After a few minutes, Plato came back with an empty hand.

The teacher asked why. Plato said "On my way, i saw an extra ordinary leaf but i did not pick it because i might find another ahead, but as i found another, i realized that it was not as extra ordinary as the first, confused as i am, i ended up picking nothing."

Therefore never take love for granted for you will end up with nothing.

Ack. Okay that really made me get up early in the morning and i don't usually read text messages especially quotes but i do not know, maybe i am destined to read this and it got Plato in the very first so i think that pushed me to read it. You know how my geekyness sometimes hits. Anyway, yes i always end up with nothing. Nothing. People think i don't care at all but i really do. I just act too damn good to complain about it and it's my defense mechanism to always act like everthing is steady while it is slowly eating up my heart. Maybe that's how my sadness was born. People around me think i don't have problems at all but i know they pity me or think of me as something for some unknown reason. If only i can talk to everybody one on one and explain everything. But i guess you really just can't please everybody and the world will not change for me. So far i haven't been succesful in overcoming everything. When people ask me what is it anyway? honestly i do not know and that makes it even more sad. The fact that people know when they are gonna be happy or when they can be or when only will they be is something i always envy. I mean i try to find it as everyday pass although i may sometimes seem aloof and disinterested in almost everything . I don't accept people' s invitations even my closest friends. I do not like it but that's what i feel at that very moment. I just want to be alone and lock myself in and think of all the good things that is about to come. It's weird how i think of the good things in the future but i don't even exert a single effort in doing it. It is really weird how I turned out to be as a person. I am so strange sometimes i even amaze myself with my decisions and actions.

My SA Spurs and the playoffs

So yesterday i was bumming around enjoying sunday when i got a message from a friend that the SPURS won a blowout game against the kings and now they are up 1-0 in the series. Shit i've been so busy and occupied with my insecurities and school that i forgot about the freakin NBA PLAYOFFS.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE THE PLAYOFFS. i feel so alive during that time of the year. It's this drug that i have to follow and experience once a year. I won't even explain how i LOVE basketball with all my heart. I started watching the game to spot hot ballers but i ended up loving and appreciating the beauty of it One nostalgic moment i remember about my first encounter with it has offcourse something to do with who else? Michael Jordan. I was very young and little prolly in gradeschool and i was in my brother's room. It was the playoffs between the Chicago bulls and Utah Jazz..Stockton to Malone days. I remember sitting in the corner of the bed and my brother was standing in front of the t.v and then suddenly he's gonna scream like a madman and he's gonna clap his hands. He'll look at me sort of saying "Did you see that?" and i was like "huh?" I did not know in that moment something beautiful is happening somewhere in this world. I did not know someday it would be part of history and 10 years after people will still talk about that single game, that single moment in sports history where Michael Jordan, the greatest player who ever played the game just put another penny in his pocket. I swear i should have watched that game. But i was too young and ignorant to even have interests and passion for something like basketball. I was just a little girl then, you know. Stuff like Michael Jordan is sort of similar with my Eraserheads issue. If only i was not too young to watch and praise them. I would have been one of their biggest fans during their glory days. God, i love the 90's. I should have been a teenager during the 90's.

Anyway..

I am still rooting for my spurs. My favorite teams in the league, the spurs and the detroit pistons are on TOP. I SWEAR. I AM GONNA TELL YOU. I DID NOT LIKE THEM BECAUSE THEY BOTH FOUGHT FOR THE TITLE LAST YEAR OKAY? I WAS ROOTING FOR THEM ever since that year started. I love Tim Duncan and the spurs and Rasheed Wallace is also in my top three with tmac and TD. That is the reason. So yeah i loved duncan eversince he entered the league and rasheed..i followed Scottie Pippen before in portland..i watched him play there and i fell in love with Rasheed... i became a potland jailblazers fan then rasheed was traded and the rest is history..so yeah there i followed both their games and ended up loving their whole team. I love watching the spurs. If you do not watch basketball and you wanna try, i swear you should watch them. They are amazing. It's effortless. It's like they are so organized and everybody's helping each other, no one is overshooting (well parker sometimes) like he's the star. THEY JUST SIMPLY PLAY TO WIN..and defense..i love defense..i love the whole team.. I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE HATE THEM BECAUSE PEOPLE DO NOT EVEN THINK THEY ARE GOOD OR BETTER THAN THEIR TEAM BUT THEY STILL WIN.. hahah i love it when they BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF THEIR HATERS..I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO PISS OFF DUNCAN AND HE DOES NOT REACT AND HE WINS THE GAME INSTEAD...Rasheed... i will make an entry soon of how i love that mofo so much.

I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't have a prediction. I still want the spurs to win. It hard but possible.. but it is still gonna be a tough one..an UPSET is very likely to happen to any team and game...the mavs,suns,miami, nets are good. And that slimeball KOBE BRYANT is still there and he's gonna kill you know..as much as i loathe that guy.. he is really a monster..i just don't like him at all. So yeah still hoping for the best. Stupid solar sports should AIR SPURS AND DETROIT GAME. I WANT TO SEE! I am sick and tired of Lebron and Kobe..though i heard they would not cover lakers game..hahah i don't care at all..i do not like them. I just want to watch and see how my boys are doing lately since i've sort of neglected them.

school, loathing and friends...

I'm kinda hating school again. Recitation is horrible. I thought it's gonna be the fun recitation, but it is the usual shit where everybody is killing for the grades. Unpleasant atmosphere. I swear. I prolly do not make sense here because recitation is indeed for you to get grades. But i want it more the "college" way you know not the gradeschool competition way. But does that kind of thing still exists? it seems like everything is a freakin competition anyway. The instructor is kinda scary though, i mean intimidating. She seems to correct everything. It is like you cannot even try or guess. You have to say the right thing in the first try because if not, she's gonna kill you anyway. But discussion a while ago was kinda fun, we ended up talking about pop culture to the matrix and all the sick shows on tv that we all love to watch but she hates it. Atleast she loves American Idol. heheh.

I have EXAMS this week. It is not really that hassle to review because i really do want to learn everything in both subjects. Haaay i am just scared about the result especially Intro to comm. I will reallly realy try my best to study well. Hope everything turns out right. If there's one thing i've learned the best in college, it's prolly that you can study and ace everything but still fail. One of the weirdest things in this school.

About my exams, it is also the reason why i cannot go to my highschool friends' beach getaway. I SWEAR I DO WANT TO GO! But i cannot. I tried explaining but THEY WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND unless they're from my school too. Sayang i really wanted to be with them and i want to go to the beach! I made up some counter excuses that it is also good i did not go haha to feel better somehow. Like confrontations, when you go see your highschool friends after a long time , you guys usually tell each other what is up and those shits and you know what I HATE THOSE! hahah makes me even more sad. I hate it and my highschool friends pa naman are those people na when they ask you something, before you even answer..they already concluded something in their minds kasi they know you or they are judging you already..what can you say anyway? you grew up with them and they won't change their minds anymore. I do not know if i am like that to them too? i think somehow i am but i wanna get that out of my system already. It is not fair and right.

That is where this friend of mine comes in. I SWEAR I MISS HER SO BAD. She's this extraordinary one that you'll prolly never ever encounter in your life again. I mean yes a lot of times we both do not know what we are talking about because we're both weird and different but it leads to perfection. I am always secure and happy when i'm with her. It was only when she left that i realized her true worth, not just the typical friends that i exchange book reviews and issued with everyday. The thing about her..is that out of all the people i have known....she is the only one who has never judge me. NEVER. I do not know she does inside but atleast i do not feel uncomfortable knowing that this bitch beside me, that i am always with thinks i am a goddamn bitch too. I KNOW SOME OF MY REAL GOOD FRIENDS THINKS SO. HAHAH I KNOW! But i don't take it against them, i am annoying, whiny and judgemental all the time. But she's just so different you know what i am sayin? I hope she's happy there with her family. I really hope she is because if there is someone in this world who deserves to have complete happiness, it is her. I miss you so much. You're a beautiful person. I am sorry i haven't talked to you for so long, i just do not have the time yet. Don't get me wrong. You're very special. If i don't take you are, i have probably spoked with you a long long time ago. But i want it to be good and great. When i don't have shits anymore so i can say good things to you, not my usual rants.

school and sleeping disorder

I haven't had any contact with the world lately. I've been schooling and sleeping these past few days ever since summer school started. Haven't watch tv for three days! imagine that? haha considering that i've been slacking off with my tv and food earlier this summer. Altleast my sleeping is now normal.Do you call sleeping from 6pm to 6am normal? before i schooled, i sleep at around 6am and get up at around 3pm..atleast now i'm up early. I cannot help it but to just go straight to my bed after school. i swear it drains me..my mind is tired tired tired after just two classes! well introduction to comm is really demanding and math is boring and still a 2 hour of burden everyday.

Speaking of comm..our presentation went on yesterday. It was okay. Atleast TAPOS NA! haha i did really bad though haha but it's okay...i have a lot of readings to come haay and a big exam next week..that class is like 3 hours per day...but i am really interested in learning all those comm shits.. and our readings are quite interesting compared to those long ass shits that we read in APS.

My block is doing good. Met some awesome person that i could laugh and make lait sessions with everyday. I am so broke right now! i swear i want to buy lots of things right now but i cannot. Sad.

I want to get that white loafers and a big black bag where i could stash all my readings. I want a nice sunglasses too..and a DSL connection.

First day in IMC

Shitty.
That was what i felt all throughout the transition of going towards this so called special day until the day itself came. So yeah i found out til the last minute that the hassle presenation will push thru. Nikole and i are like the only few people left without a freakin GROUP and have not even started the freakin presenation. We do not even know the freakin question. So i texted and called everyone i know from my SCL block and all of them were occupied. Yes the max is 7 peopleper group and WE GOT LEFT OUT. So i immediately got this stupid feeling that i'm gonna hate this block. So because we don't want to fail and look stupid in front of our professor, Nik and i did our presentation. Yes the night before the big day. So imagine how we panicked and shit. We have to get the questions thru TEXT..how irresponsible and soo wrong! But we could not do anything..we have to do it. So yeah we did some quick and careless research and powerpoint until the day itself. We did not care anymore. SHIT WE ARE ONLY TWO! hahah two lazy ass students still in a summer state of mind..so imagine our finish product..obvious na minadali. So anyway the day came and we did not care anymore..i remember the famous "OKAY LANG NAMAN SATEN MAPAHIYA DIBA?" before a big presentation to boost our confidence. We did not present because all of our presentations seems to be bad and wrong..content is out.so she gave us a chance again to present it next wednesday. Nik and i got new groupmates..those other leftout scl peeps..so all the people in our group are the leftovers of our block.. how cute is that?

My SCL blockmates are actually okay. I expected worse, but they're actually okay. I am not close to a lot of people since almost all my friends are in SDL..i got lucky i got Nik with me so it kinda gave me a sigh of relief..atleast i'll die with a friend. I was also surprised with my prof. I expected really really WORSE..but weird...i actually like her..she seems to be really smart.. kinda strict but i know i'll learn a lot from her. But she looks like she means business.. so i know i have to work my butt off and recite..i have to be a star! hahah

shit i cannot believe i'm doing a presentation during this time of the year..it is april for chrissake... i need my solitary confinement somewhere in visayas and mindanao but i'm stuck with my laptop and glasses.

Oh i got to be with marc again today. Shit the last time we were in the same class was grade 6! ohmaygad we're actually taking down notes and complaining about our teacher's boringness a while ago in acb! heheh i remember we used to climb trees and listen to rap music. haha we're really really getting old. haaaay.

Sa north diversion road

I hated my film class. I was very excited when i enlisted because we get to watch films and analyze it plus it's a good jump from the killer piles of readings that normal subjects require. And who would not be excited to attend a subject called Film? So i think it would be a walk in the park for me since it would not be a task where i have to really push myself to do it but it is actually something i normally do where i would be graded. The excitement turned into hell because i actually dreaded the mondays and thursdays of having to attend film class. It was boring. It was 9am after my renaissance literature class and right before my theology class so half the time i was busy oogling with my theo notes (work paid off..i got UNO in theo!). We're also required to go to school every wednesday bec. it's the day they show the films. I have no class every wednesday and that's a choice because my car is coding i want to sleep. So yeah imagine how i cursed film class everytime i get up early to go to school every wednesday which practically just happened thrice the entire semester because i did not go to the film showings anyway. Hahah. And the thing i hate the most about it was how we have to recite in front with the remote control analzying the film. You are called randomly with the help of the ever deadly index cards that students really hate. So you do not know which film you are about to talk about. It was not really that hard. I just hated it because i do not want to talk in front about a certain a movie. I want to write. I get really emotional when i talk about something that i'm really fond of. So shit yeah it was hard for me. I failed the midterms badly with a score of 19/50. The baddest of the bad. I swear. So shit i told myself i have to work my butt off now. So papers..i have to do well in all of them. We wrote 5 papers i think the entire semester about several films. I did well which i think helped my grade. I got a 2.00 in this class which was not bad because i was hoping to get a 2.5.Anyway..

Our last requirement was an indie tagalog film entitled "Sa north diversion road" by Dennis Marasigan. I loved that film very much. It was the second time i saw an indie pinoy flick after ang pagdadalaga..and i was taken again. i want more! I wanted to catch cinemalaya but i never had the chance. Hopefully next time i would. Anyway I was browsing through my files and i saw my comment about it. It was disorganized but most of the papers i did in this film class was honest and just. I just type whatever i want to say without editing. Heheh here are parts of what i wrote about it:

All in all, I would highly recommend this film. I think a lot can relate to it since it does not only show both men and women but their different characteristics too. The movie captured the moods and social classes as well as depicted in the every episode. Everything is in the movie, from the yuppie to the old fashioned couple uttering comical love to each other, the hippie straightforward one exchanging amusing mocking words towards each other to the couple pissing each other off with the things around them but did not utter a single word except in the end when the woman shouted “kaliwete” (lefty) in the man’s face followed by a loud rock guitar strum that concluded the episode. I really enjoyed that episode the most. The concept and stillness was really different creating a slapstick yet meaningful comedic effect. Then we see the 70’s funky couple very fond of pink, laughing their problems off to the almost robotic intellectual couple both dressed in white, everything in their lives are organized and planned, and they even planned and organized their problems to death. All of these episodes, put into perfection by the great sound and production design.

Sa north diversion road is a refreshing shift from the usual predictable stuff that we see in cinemas today. From the title itself, you’ll see the metaphor that life is a long road with different directions you can turn into depending on the destination that you are headed. The movie’s greatness was neither the beginning nor the ending. It was the journey itself of the ten couples driving along the north diversion road. It was amazing how the director managed to do a movie that happened in the same car with the same actors and still create a refreshing cinematic experience. Hands down, the best thing about the movie was the actor’s performance. Their performance really gave justice to the film. It was astounding that they both portrayed all the couples but yet everything seemed effortless as if they have been doing it forever. It is sad to think that amazing films like this did not even get the chance to be seen by people in the movie theaters. Sa north diversion road is definitely one of the better Filipino films I’ve seen.

Hehe how disorganized. It's like an exceprt from this journal haha. So random and informal. Anyway i'm definitely gonna miss watching different films again. It is in this class where i finally experienced Akira Kurosawa's greatness. Seven Samurai is now on the top of my book. I loved that film.

Austin Carty

I love survivor exile island!

I haven't really liked/watched any season since Australian outback and Africa but damn this season is really interesting. I love the characters. I love the underdog La mina tribe which deteriorated immediately and there's only one member from the tribe left..and they're still like 8 in there? okay anyway my point is: i love this season because of AUSTIN CARTY!

Austin is SMART. The first time my eyes laid on the show.. he immediately caught my attention. I mean he is a WRITER. You know when you watch survivor and when someone is talking in front of the cam, they put your name and what you do there. So yeah he writes. It's a breathe of fresh air compared to the typical pharmaceutical sales rep, nurse, marketing executive, restaurant owner..so i watched Austin all the way until he was booted out. SAD SAD SAD. He could have won that thing. I mean he has been nice to everyone there and it is not the typical fake boring nice like ARAS! There's this naiveness in Austin that i love. He's prolly one of the smartest players who made the stupidest survivor moment ever. When he confessed before the tribal council how he faked being weak and shit for the others to not vote him off. DUDE HE CONFESSED IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY BEFORE THE VOTING. Hahah that is some funny shit but i know it's just a big mistake. He thought he was going home so he did. But i know he's still smart. That brain teaser challenge that they had..haha i knew Austin would win that even before it started. Sayang. I could have seen him more. Atleast he's in the jury! Aras will win. I know he would. blah boring. I do not like him at all..well He's HOT and tall but he's cocky and GAY in some parts? i don't know maybe i'm biased but it's really sad that he would win. I just loved Austin too pieces. I haven't liked any reality tv contestant very badly as this since Joey Gilbert, my 28 yr old lawyer from the contender.

Other interesting facts about Austin: He's 24. Appeared in ONE TREE HILL as young Dan. His sister is Miss Teen USA. He was a soccer star in college. Published a book dedicated to his mother. His family auditioned for amazing race family edition but they didn't get in but they were so impressed with Austin, they asked him back for survivor exile island.

Why can't all guys be like that? Why can't all guys read, write and THINK? it's not even hard!

"Tignan mo magang maga na yung mata mo kaka tulog" was the first thing my mom said when she saw me. Offcourse as always she's 100 % wrong. I have not been sleeping for quite some time now ever since i've started school break. But it is just right for her to say that because she does not really know anything about my life or what i am going through with everyday. The fact that i do not go out of my room also helps a lot. Well i cried today. It is going redundant? i know! I catched that popular tagalog flick "TANGING YAMAN" on tv this afternoon and it owned me again just like every other sad movie. It basically talks about filipino family and how they deal with money, love, faith and all the other issues a family goes through with. I can't help it but cry in every scene. It does not really tell or describe my situation right now but it was actually the more i watch it, the more i realize how SAD i really am and how things are going the wrong way. But it also made me realize how it is never too late. I can still change a lot of things. Faith was also very emphasized. Faith has always been something that i am very sensitive with. My faith is very important to me. It always comes first, i know that deep in my heart. But my faith is also something that challenges me very well. The fact that my personality, characteristic and interests contradicts to the faith i believe in or i want to follow. It has been a struggle and i always see my faith being defeated by my hedonistic nature. How can you say you're a devout christian when you breathe angst ridden books and rock music? It is really very hard to live with it especially when you are longing for total happiness. Offcourse i know that it is only through my faith that i would get love. But i haven't lived enough to immediately opt for that and i hate it because though i know it is the right thing, i don't live it because i actually want to feel the other selfish type of happiness. I do not know if it is really what i need but ask me right now and it is really what i want.

I know that i just have to be patient and it would be given to me immediately. But i still do not know how long i can endure the agony. My heart is tired and who knows when it is finally given to me, there's nothing left already inside. It would just be emptiness and traces of the longing for it. But i am not complaining. really. I just want to put things out before it eats up my everything. It would be better soon. I know.

It is sad how i associate everythign with my sadness. From the books that i read, movies that see, people that i talk to. Every situation and all the other weird things that come out. It always has something to do with my heart. I hate it.

The people that you never get to love

It's sad how you seldom find something so beautiful and perfect and when you finally did, it never lasts and nothing will ever happen anyway especially when you're both on the other side of the world. But it gives you hope somehow. That something like that actually exists. You smile and shake your head. It is bittersweet because once again after those rare split moments, you found beauty. At the same it hits you that it is just a view that you can stare and look into for the rest of your life but you can never ever touch, observe, hear and read. You try to cheer yourself somehow by saying you'll find something like it someday because you're certain that you will never ever have it. And you know you would try to look for something like it in every place, every corner. But still you know deep down that it will never be as beautiful as the one that you found and that fact makes it even more beautiful. It is so beautiful that you'll prolly spend the rest of your life wondering why you willingly let something like it walk away. Haaaaey the people that you never get to love.