happy birthday to me

I find it weird that i've been in a major hiatus lately and i'm quite happy comfortable with it. People have been keeping in touch with me lately and something inside me is dictating that i should sod them off and not even give a hint that i'm still alive. Well i don't know but i don't feel like talking to people lately. I mean i love people and talking but i think i got a hang of it that i only talk to those that i want to talk to. I've considered myself "friendly" and sociable my whole life i mean somehow like i talk to anyone and i'm always trying to be comfortable with them and i don't know what's been happening to me lately. Like a lot are texting me and trying to know what's up but i never bother to give them even a damn hey and it's really weird that i'm comfortable with it and at the same time i'm writing a damn entry about it. I guess i'm tired. I am sick and tired of all of you! haha just kidding. I don't know, some people i don't really want to talk to at ALL because they give pain in my heart and some i really admire and miss for the longest time but i still do not talk to them. I have this habit of sacrificing things in the long run to feel better at the present moment. and i hate it that i'm too damn lasy to even work by butt off to do things. I am so lazy and i hate it but i guess that's something in me that i cannot take away at all. The fact that i want to feel good, be inspired and feel happy all the time that i forget to do my responsibilities and all the other things that i should do like talk to people when they want to talk to you because you should! I don't know forgive me but i am having a time digesting all the things in the world right now and you know my stupid self is naturally there to absorb everything from its heart. God i always use my feelings to deal with things and a lot of times i get so dumb and weak to even face them and take risks so i always play safe because i'm too afraid to BREAK and lose. Yes my nineteen years of experience have been nothing but trying to protect my heart from breaking that i do not take risks at all. Just don't go for it. Walk away. Don't do it. I've been living with that my whole life and i don't know how when it's gonna stop.

I don't want to talk to a lot of people lately and especially those who i've been with in the past 6 years. I am sick and tired of most of them. Honestly, i'm trying to find this certain genuineness in people in which i think i've seen only in one or two persons out of the millions i've talked to in highschool and college. I don't know but

Yes and it's weird that when i'm with friends and a lot of people, I feel MORE alone that when i am really alone. Maybe it's just me but i'm sorry i'm sick and tired of it. God it's so strange that even right at this moment, yes right now that i'm writing this abnormality of mine, i can still manage to smile and joke around with it. I SWEAR I AM HORRIBLE AND I NEED A FUCKIN REVAMP. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!