weirdness

People really change.
Like when you meet someone for the first time and you tell yourself how awesome he or she is and you're excited to build a special bond with him/her because you simply just love the way he/she is. You know the usual "Wow, she's cool!." "Wow I LOVE HER! SHE'S GAY." "oh i think we can be really friends in a long time." and you're really really excited to be enlightened by that person.You see in my 19 years of existence, that's what i have been doing. Observing and appreciating what will move me. As what doctor Izzie Stevens said in grey's anatomy..she's never been anything in her life but a watcher. I am a watcher. I meet this person, observe, verdict. Move on and watch again. It is just weird how everyone i have encountered and fell in love with lately change even like after 3 years? Yes even the most amazing ones that once made you believe that there is really luck and everyone is bound to be happy, err still change. I guess the world will not really change for me. All people have their moments and their actions will always be based on themselves. I think i've been like this too, i have failed most of the people that I've met who once thought i am someone they can cherish for the rest of their lives. Maybe we're just really like that. Well the last person who has never failed me left me and my whole barkada to go in a far far away place. Away from us without even telling us. One day she came back with the biggest smile and she's ugh..all married, happy and peaceful. It's sad because i have never really appreciated who she was during the time that we were together. She's always the weird one in our group like we will always laugh at what she was thinking or what she was going to do. One thing i realized after she left, that she's the only one who has never judged me. She's my Kwan in Amy Tan's the hundred secret senses and my one and only stargirl. Crap. I miss her so much. She's the complete opposite of this superficiality that i am experiencing right now. I am really just trying to survive everyday of my stupid little life. Like sometimes i'm in class then something would hit me, then i'll tell myself "what the hell am i doing here?" or those moments when i'm with the people that i hang out with then something would hit me again then ill tell myself "why the fuck am i with these people and what the hell are we doing?" i don't know maybe it is just me but whatever it is, i really just want something different. I want all the amazing people to stay the way they are till the moment they die, i don't ever want to see their changes. I want to feed this desire inside me that i can't seem to find. I've always thought that even if i tend to be judgmental, feisty, annoying and whiny, i still have the biggest heart in the world. That is something no one can take away from me. What i love, i love truly. I guess the problem really lies in the fact that there is nothing or no one worth loving in this world. People, they're really strange. Or maybe my standards are bottomless.I guess there is no really such thing as ENOUGH...the glass is indeed bottomless. In everything, all we always want is MORE.

Omg, i am horrible.